Untrustworthy

I’ve been hindered for much of my adult life by a mistake I made as a child. I pretended to be stronger than I was and didn’t ask for help for things I struggled through.

The impression I make on someone when they first meet me is that of a strong and capable black man. But this was a shell created to protect myself from bullying or being singled out. For most of my life I’ve put up barriers to keep people away from my true emotions and intentions. Now that’s biting me in the ass; it’s really difficult to open up to people or understand what people’s perception of me is.

For a long time I haven’t performed well when placed under a microscope. My breath unconsciously shortens and my thinking clouds if I’m put on the spot for too long. I was the poster boy for hyperactivity as a child and was originally friendly and outgoing. Black children like me stand out in the suburbs and I was frequently punished for positive and natural phases any child could have. I was never given a say in how I was treated. More than once other children made up lies about me and I was punished. Children in my neighborhood also teased me from when I was very little for being black. I remember when I was four and asked to play tag with them the older kid picked up a hand-hoe from their garage and said “sure, you can play with us”. By seven or eight I had started to give up hope that people could be trusted. The bullying continued and I started to have panic attacks when other children confronted me. By the end of high school I felt I understood the world and what I would do. I believed that I was worth nothing and everyone was better off not knowing me. I planned to finish college and work a job until my parents and grandparents passed; once they passed on I would disappear and end my life somewhere nobody would find my remains.

I don’t necessarily like to get specific about my past. But, that’s where my fear of people started and why I have distrust of people’s intentions. In middle school I started to study the popular people from a safe distance. I’d copy their slang and their style. I’d hoped that when I was away from the people in my town I could pass as someone you shouldn’t bully. I believed that I was below everyone I met; I felt I was lesser than them and I needed to blend in to protect myself. I felt like an corn-snake: an animal that imitates venomous animals well enough to be safe. Even when I began dating my senior year of high school I felt this way. I knew for sure whoever I was dating could do better than me. I wasn’t worth anything; getting a girlfriend was like an act of defiance. I felt like I got one over on the world, because there’s no way in hell I deserved something like a girlfriend. I fully expected to be left or that I would leave, because I already had my own end planned and didn’t want to hurt someone. That’s also why I didn’t like when any girlfriend I had would encourage me or speak of me positively. I would feel bad for them.

I had a toxic frame-of-mind that had been developing since before I started school. I only trusted my father and my grandmother, but I only told my father about these things because I didn’t want my grandma to be sad. I feel bad that I shouldered so much of my pain with my dad. I didn’t trust anyone to help me and that was my biggest mistake. It wasn’t until he passed way sooner than I’d anticipated that I realized I needed to make a change. With my father’s passing and brothers both being younger than me I finally had to confront these issues with myself and give up my plan to end my life. A little bit at a time I’ve been reaching out to family members and friends and talking. It’s really not so bad. But, it’s not so easy, too. See above.